Fasten your seatbelts, folks, the Bad Movie of the Week is back with a vengeance! (And yes, clichéd phrases are crucial to the BMotW experience). This weekend’s visit from Will included three features, one each from the bountiful genres of martial arts, science fiction, and grindhouse. Today we look at our martial arts movie, a little number by the same team that would go on to make the similarly bad U.S. Seals:

Lethal Ninja (1993)

Plot: Despite the obvious criticisms to be made, the movie picks a plot and sticks to it. No, the plot doesn’t make any sense. But somehow you’re left feeling that it could have made sense, if you had just been taking slightly more drugs. Keanu Reeves’ low-budget cousin, Ross Kettle, plays a meditation teacher who learns his scientist wife has been kidnapped by thugs in a small African country. The thugs have been poisoning the water in the country — here’s where you might want to start taking the drugs — in order to grab power by playing off the fear of an ancient prediction by Nostradamus, and kidnap the attractive blonde scientist to force her to give them an even more dangerous microbe.

Edit: I forgot to mention that Ross can’t swoop in to save the day without first recruiting the help of his obligatory reluctant black martial-arts friend, who then proceeds to crack jokes about Africa the whole movie. But hey, he doesn’t die at the end, which is pretty incredible in itself.

Best quote: Bad delivery is of course essential to many movies in this genre. The older scientist who dies at the beginning didn’t die soon enough to spare us an abominably bad performance full of lame lines like “We’ve got no time for visitors, tell them to go away!” The hero’s scientist wife, Dominique, is even worse. She delivers every line with a stunted urgency that kills any dramatic tension. Finally, plenty of lines just come out of nowhere to advance the plot: “We better check out that old fort.” What? Why?

Most implausible moment: The world is full of brilliant women scientists and certainly even many blonde ones. Dominique is not one of them. Her characterization as a scientist starts and ends with a lab coat and the line (upon mixing a test tube of liquid with a water sample) “It’s not changing color!” She spends the rest of the movie wearing ridiculously high shorts and throwing off lame, defiant lines to express her unconvincing outrage at her captivity. Also, even if she is a pretty mediocre scientist, she should be able to escape from an unguarded hotel room full of windows when given days to do so, right?

That’s not really the most implausible part of the movie. But most of the implausibility is just a result of misplaced expectations on our part. For instance, the ninja swords visibly bounce off their victims — but that’s only silly if you expect the swords to be made of sharp steel, instead of ninja rubber. The enemy ninjas stand guard with their backs to entrances and remain oblivious to sound and movement in their immediate surroundings, but that’s because they’re listening to Whitney Houston on their ninja Walkmen. And so on.

Final score: 2 (6 is worst). This includes a half-point “Rollerskating Ninjas” bonus so take that into consideration — it’s a 2.5 otherwise. But still, this was a quite enjoyable movie.

Circle of Iron (1978)

Plot: Young, brash Cord is a martial artist competing to be chosen for the dangerous task of seeking the mysterious wizard Zetan and the Book of Enlightenment. Losing the competition, he decides to go anyway, and sets out alone. Along the way, he attempts to befriend a blind wanderer who turns out to be a talented, but frustratingly enigmatic, martial artist. At times, the wanderer leaves Cord alone, and Cord is forced to face a series of trials armed only with his strength and the wisdom he has acquired. Finally, he reaches Zetan, but what he finds is not what he expected.

Read on for the final rating:

Best quote: A movie full of wisdom…

Cord: How long have you been blind?

Blind Man: How long have you been blind?

Cord: I’m not blind.

Blind Man: Am I?

Cord: Do you answer every question with a question?

Blind Man: Do you question every answer?

Cord: Aww, talking to you is like talking to a wall.

Blind Man: Buddha once sat before a wall, and when he arose he was enlightened.

Cord: Do you compare yourself with Buddha?

Blind Man: (chuckles) No. Only to the wall.

And wit…

Morthond: One year ago, I took a vow of silence!

Cord: And when did you break it?

Morthond: Now!

Most implausible moment: Circle of Iron is full of oddities and non sequiters: a surreal scene with Eli Wallach as a man trying to dissolve his lower extremities in a barrel of oil; a barrage of dubious wisdom delivered with Zen-like pomposity by David Carradine; and a mid-career Christopher Lee as the Chief Warlock of Rivendell/Cloud City.

Final score: 2 (6 is worst). Some actors are completely full of themselves. We know this; we saw it vividly when Carradine and Chuck Norris faced off in the epic Lone Wolf McQuade. Great as Bruce Lee was, it’s hard to deny he was a little full of himself too. So it’s no surprise that a movie with the history of Circle of Iron — conceived by one such actor, finished by another — ends up being odd, scattered, and pretty darn full of itself. Although its ambitions to greatness fall ridiculously flat, however, Circle of Iron earns a key place in the bad movie pantheon. The chance to watch David Carradine lay down some Bruce Lee-style wisdom is enough in itself to earn this movie a 2 — silly, but definitely worth a look.

For more on the story of Circle of Iron, check out “Circle of Iron: Bruce Lee’s Lost Movie”.

Part of the senior class. From left: Jay, Will, Tibor, James, Jeff, Me. (I’ve since gained my yellow belt.)

Will’s promotion to Ikkyu (highest degree brown belt) with senseis Hunt and Altman:

Edit (12/1): Club practices are Monday and Wednesday. Children’s class 6:30-7:30, senior class 7:30-9:00. 3420 Bienville Blvd (Hwy 90), Ocean Springs, MS, behind the Cat Care Center. Dues are $45 a month but anyone can come try out a practice or two without paying.

The Olympics are great! As a long-time swimmer, in heart if not always in fact (I started swimming at around 6, did varsity in high school, and took a break in the first few years at UVA before getting into club swimming for about a year and a half), that’s the event that I’m mainly following. I don’t follow swimming much outside of the Olympics, except of course for that of my two younger brothers (at RIT and George Mason), but the Olympics always get me pumped up. And Michael Phelps and the rest of the American team are delivering an amazing performance.

Olympic Judo is also cool; it’s not televised, but NBC is doing a great thing by putting full videos of the competitions for most sports up on its website at www.nbcolympics.com. If your local cable company doesn’t have a deal with NBC, you might have to fudge your zip code and cable company.

Speaking of judo, my judo buddy and all-around good friend Will, who has been working with Hands On for the past couple of years, made the surprise announcement that he has accepted a job with the Coordination Center and will be staying in Biloxi for another half-year or so, rather than moving back home this weekend to Boston as planned. Great news! It’ll definitely keep me motivated for judo. Not only that, but Will will be moving into our house to replace my roommate Phil, who’s left for Oregon. The future of bad movie night and Scrabble is therefore assured.

While Will is staying, there are a number of people in the volunteer circle here who have left recently or will be leaving — Phil, Ian, Doug, Andy, Katharine, Chris, and more. I expect that the beginning of fall will bring a new wave of folks moving in, but for now it’s a little quiet around here.

Work is going well, although that’s another post. And the evenings and weekends always seem to produce some interesting events. I’d like to take some road trips, but money’s pretty tight, so that’s on hold until I get my long-lost-uncle-or-aunt-inheritance. I need to start swimming and lifting more — the Olympics are certainly motivating me for that.

Well, that’s more or less it. How’s everyone else’s summer going?

I was heavily distracted, yesterday during work and again after frisbee, watching judo and mixed martial arts videos online. Pretty awesome and inspirational stuff.

It’s official – I’m now doing judo over in Ocean Springs along with Will/Nick/various other Hands On folk. The first few classes have been very fun; it’s a new martial art for me and I’m learning a lot already.

I think that setting some goals is the most important thing you can do when you’re starting a martial art. Ideally a martial art is something you’ll continue to do throughout your lifetime. But this isn’t a realistic goal for me right now. I’d like to persevere at it while I’m here in Mississippi, but who knows where I’ll be next. That being said, here are my martial arts goals:

1. Attend class regularly and give a full effort.
2. Learn well a variety of techniques (rolls, falls, throws, chokes, pins).
3. Through whatever style I’m practicing in (judo, karate, etc.), develop my understanding of the fundamentals behind martial arts (stance, force, inertia, body knowledge).

In talking with a non-martial-artist the other day, I was interested by her perception of the idea behind martial arts: that the goal is to achieve victory without having to hurt the other person. Now, without getting into the elaborate philosophies associated with martial arts, I don’t think this is accurate – in any real-life application of martial arts, concern for the opponent’s well-being comes dead last behind protecting yourself and those around you. This is particularly the case for styles like Shotokan karate, which I trained in for several years. Shotokan counts “Refrain from violent behavior” among its core principles, but when force is required, every technique is potentially a killing or crippling blow. Judo practictioners, on the other hand, may use pins or holds to achieve complete control over their opponents without (necessarily) incapacitating them.

Karate and judo have very different techniques, but it seems to me that their spirit is similar. They emphasize the controlled application of force. The first and most important element of control is to know when the use of force is appropriate.

But essentially, judo’s fun. I’m finally getting into an active routine with judo, occasional running, ultimate frisbee, football, and construction, and my body’s making me pay for it, but it’s all good.

Wake up at noon.

Play football on the town green for a couple hours.

Get lunch at Le Bakery and go to the park to eat.

Play on the playground and kick the soccer ball around for a while.

Visit the Vietnamese New Year celebration.

Go over to Jessie’s for a cookout.

Every weekend should be like this…