Witch’s Sabbath (2005)
Plot: “A coven of female witches, whose only magical power seems to be [the ability] to surgically-enhance their breasts, …” starts one IMDB review. You have been warned. The witches run the “Sin and Skin” strip club as a cover for their efforts to harvest 666 souls before the arrival of their Dark Lord on Halloween. Aside from an appearance by Ron Jeremy as a traveling Bible salesman, there’s not much to look forward to in this movie.
Read on for the final rating:
Best quote: “Fucking duh!”
Most implausible moment: The implausibility of Witch’s Sabbath is hard to pin down, because while everything is fake (the characters, the dialogue, the breasts, the blood), it’s hard to imagine there aren’t equally fake people living equally fake lives somewhere in the world. They might even be the people who made this movie.
‘Gratuitous Nudity’ bonus: 1 (out of 1 possible). There’s something admirable about the self-confidence it must take to constantly expose assets that are, well, definitely better left unexposed. Actually, no, there’s nothing admirable about it, but even though we spent most of the movie gagging and peering hesitantly through our fingers, I think we’re forced to award a full point here.
‘Gratuitous Violence’ bonus: 1 (out of 1 possible). Once again, it’s important to recognize that these points are earned for quantity rather than quality. Thankfully, the movie didn’t go to the extent of showing all 666 victims, but there was enough fake blood, gore, and spines to easily earn full credit.
Final score: 5 (6 is worst). The plot is simple enough to be explained by a one-liner on the back of the DVD, and yet if we hadn’t read that, we wouldn’t have heard an explanation of what was going on until the last 15 minutes of the movie. The acting has gone through “terrible” and out the other side; we’re forced to assume that these actors and actresses are actually as vapid and moronic as the characters they play, creating a convincing if depressing realism. The effects combine a large amount of gusto with a very small amount of budget. Witch’s Sabbath is pretty darn terrible; since I (generously) gave it 2 bonus points, it’s important to recognize that technically, it’s being saved from a 7, which (on the scale of 1-6) is so bad it doesn’t even exist.